Forward

I wasn't going to write this.

I struggled, I procrastinated, but eventually I had to sit down and write this.

Earlier this year, I met a girl. Her name was Emilene. She was smart, witty, gorgeous. Me? I was smitten. I started talking to her, wanted to visit her and hopefully get things going. Then one day she tells me she has a boyfriend. And it's serious. Right up out of the blue.

It hit me hard. This was the first time in two years that I actually had genuine feelings for someone and I got shot down. I grew depressed. Then I grew angry. I lashed out at friends, I would pick fights and insult things just to feel better. It even seeped into my geek life, in the form of one character: Batman.

See Emilene loved Batman. And so, my annoyance with the Dark Knight grew into genuine hate-in my mind, he represented everything about her, like a knife being twisted in my heart.

That anger impacted my writing as well. I couldn't find the drive to work on projects, or even remember why I wrote.

Eventually, I even considered killing myself out of spite. I hated that every one of my friends and family was with someone and I was alone. I hated that every time I was interested in a girl, she was either A: with someone or B: not interested. I just wanted someone to love me.

But...I obviously stayed my hand.

I tried going on about my business. But there were days when the anger and grief crept back, and I tried pushing it down.

Then...I got advice from an unexpected source.

As you know, Luke Cage premiered at the end of September. In the show, Luke works at a barbershop, trying to escape the ghosts of his past. The barbershop's owner, Pop, has a motto he passes on to Luke: "Always forward."

This stuck with me. I was in a similar predicament-haunted by something in the past. And to beat it, I had to move forward.

Then The Flash premiered.

The current season finds Barry Allen making a monumentally selfish choice in altering time to save his mother; and the reprecussions of said action. Jay Garrick, the Flash of Earth-3 and guardian of the Multiverse, sits him down for a chat and says the following:

"Are you just gonna take a do over every time you make a mistake, or are you gonna live with them and move forward?"

And it was clear for me: what happened happened. I can't dwell on the past, I can't keep thinking about Emilene, I have to move on. Or it's gonna consume me.

I guess for now I'll just work, write, focus on geeky stuff. Maybe a girl will come along, maybe she won't. But that's not the endgame. Or the end of the world. I just have to live my life, and come to terms with the fact that Emilene is never going to be a part of it.

Like Pop and Jay said:

Forward.